Legacies and New Beginnings

I've started the first phase of a commercial farm training program and am hoping to continue participating in that program this year.  If that doesn't work out, though, I'd like to try a master gardening program next year.  At the same time, I've been thinking pretty seriously about whether to expand our family, and with that comes the need for more space, more money, more time.  I've also recognized how life has changed as family members have passed away over the years and have anticipated life without my last grandparent, who is like a second mother to me, as her health has declined.  All these big things, all at the same time.  This is what happens when I go through an existential crisis in the Spring -- I see new life and old life and reflect on family, whether I'm making them proud, and whether it's time for me to start something new and what I will leave behind.  It's a lot to consider, and I find that I become paralyzed, afraid of choosing the "wrong" path, when in reality, I know that there isn't really a wrong path, just different paths.

I realized that one of the things I enjoy most about gardening is planting seeds and watching them grow -- it's fascinating and much less commitment than a child and much less painful when they pass on.  Anyway, that's where I am mentally and spiritually, so I think those are the themes I've been thinking about as I garden and farm.

I mentioned earlier this month that I had to get rid of most of my composting worms because I couldn't find another way to get rid of awl snails I started finding in the bin.  Well, I'm happy to report that the few worms I saved seem to be doing well in their new home.  Hopefully no snails or snail eggs hitched their way into the new bin.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see if any appear.

While most of my succulents have dried up and are dying slow, wrinkly deaths, a couple are showing signs of new life:

Tiny rosette forming on this guy :)

Small plant growing from this guy too.

I also found a baby zucchini, which was surprising mostly because I thought I had planted an eggplant!  It's like giving birth and thinking you were going to have a boy then having a girl instead.  Luckily for me, though, this didn't require repainting any walls.

Seeing new growth fills me with hope and excitement for the future.  The weird thing is, just today, after I had written most of this entry, a colleague told me she is expecting and for reasons similar to mine for having a kid.  I am really happy for her and feel the same hope and excitement for her as I do when I see my seeds grow.  So maybe this urge to keep growing plants is me trying to do everything short of having a kid to satisfy some maternal desire to nurture.  Or maybe it's me preparing myself to raise the kid I know I want.  Maybe.